Private People : Blog # 125

Private People

           There has never been a time when the mankind has been more connected than today, thanks to the social media and Internet. All our dear and near ones are just a click away.

            In the realm of anthropology, there is a concept called Dunbar’s number. Defining it broadly is the number of people one maintains a social relation ship with. We might think that the recent advancements should have definitely enhanced the limits of our Dunbar’s number.  But have they?

  The irony is that these very advancements are making people more and more private. As much as there is access to each other, all of us are confining ourselves in to our own spaces.

            For instance, how often do all the members of the family sit together in front of the Television these days? The youngsters in the family will invariably have laptops and they will prefer the tubes than the channels.

            There was a time when the phone calls were shared between all the members of the family. Today, when even a school goer prefers his/her cell phone, there is no need to share a call.

            A family used to come together during the morning tea for the Newspaper. There used to be some sort of tug and pull at the paper and a subsequent sharing of viewpoints at various reports. Today’s news comes in Apps. Distributing the newsprint might look archaic.

            Earlier, people used to talk. There used to be soulful discussions. Today, we tweet! And there is much that is lost between the lines or worse, some of us read too much in to the lines.

          If one were to think on the lines of Kishore Biyani, shopping is a family occasion for us. In today’s world of e-shopping, how often do we go shopping as a family?

            All of these points towards the lack of touch points in all our relationships. We are all becoming increasingly private. For all the tall talk about technological advancements and the social metamorphosis we are going through, the ethos of human relationships remain unchanged. It requires interaction to sustain.

The intention here is not to envisage a life back in time where we go back to the Amish world so that we interact more.  But we should look at finding ways to interact more as human beings because personal interactions are more enriching than the digital ones, at least in our times.

Arun Babu.

Slaves of habit : Blog # 124

Slaves of habit

      We are all slaves of habit, aren’t we? Good or bad, we pick up habits early on in our lives and then allow them to enslave us. This might be the reason why we give so much of importance to the formative years. Once we get in to a habit in those years, we almost refuse to come out of them.

            From the smallest of things like sleeping on the right side of the bed to taking the central seat at the dining table, we become creatures of habit. We become so addicted to our habits that we begin to think of it as our identity. Haven’t some of us told quite often that “I can’t start my morning without a tea” or “I can’t do anything without postponing it, even if it is for an hour, I am like that”!

            By becoming habitual, we are limiting ourselves from the endless opportunities of Life. I for one, whenever went to a restaurant, used to order only Dragon chicken, much to the dismay of my friendsJ. Then one day, I ordered Lasagne and then it dawned on me as to how stupid it is on my part to refuse exploring the variety of food available at my disposal.

            When we allow ourselves to be prisoners of habits, we miss out an opportunity to find out how things look from another perspective. It is like refusing to look at the other side of the coin. We may never find out how different Life is when approached in a different way. It might be good, bad or even ugly. But it will be different for certain.

                          If stuck to doing things in a singular way, we also risk stagnating. When we meet someone after a long time and they say “You haven’t changed at all”, it can be a good thing. They might be saying that we haven’t lost ourselves in the madness of Life. But if they mean “You haven’t grown at all” then what is the point of living itself?

                      It is said animals love certainty. They need a pattern to follow to make semblance of their existence. This is the reason why every single day of an animal’s life turns out to be in the exact same fashion. Apart from the lack of hunting and defending skills, this is also a reason an animal which grows up in a zoo finds it difficult to survive in the wild. They are just not ready to look at Life beyond the pattern of sleep-wake up-eat-sleep.

                      We all know Life at times, is wild in the true sense of the word. Getting ourselves accustomed to the confinements of a few habits will only make it difficult for us to survive its wilderness.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Arun Babu

Seasons of a Lifetime : Blog # 123

Seasons of a Lifetime

        I remember going to Hamleys, the world renowned toy shop. It is a child’s paradise. As grownups, my friends and I found it difficult to get out of that shop. It was as if the shelves were stuffed with childhood dreams on sale.

There was a kid who came with his parents. He was so overjoyed that he started running from one section to the other – from Cars to Guns to Superheroes- across the shop. If I were a kid, I would have done the same. His parents asked him to go through each section slowly and then decide what he wanted to buy. He gave it a futile try and started running again J.   

Come to think of it, all of us are like that little kid. We are busy chasing Life. We are constantly aspiring – for a better education, a higher paying job, a better standard of living and what not. We are scared that if we pause and ponder too much, we will miss out on what is to come.

Before we finish taking first steps and exploring nature, we rush to school. From school, we start dreaming of the college life. Right from day one at college, we fret about finding a job. As soon as a job is found, we are looking out for another one. And this goes on and on and on.

In a candid conversation over tea with a friend or at a quieter time all by oneself, we all would have looked back and wondered – “How happy I was back then! How good those times were. Why didn't I realize it back then?”

It is not that we don’t enjoy Life . We all try to do that and would have known people who do an envious job at it – Living Life to the fullest. But even they fail to recognize the goodness of Life right when it happens to them. 

The impatience to get ahead leads to our failure in recognizing the seasons of Life and the bitter sweet memories they bring along. We become so myopic with our impatience that we refuse to understand that whatever is happening will turn out to be fond memories later on in Life.

 Much later, we look back and take stock of all that we failed to realize. – How happy the childhood was, How vibrant the adolescence was, How spirited the youth was! Why not acknowledge its goodness then and there?

We need to look ahead in Life for want of not stagnating. We should know where we are headed. But equally important is enjoying each phase of it.  If we are constantly worried about where we are headed, at the finishing line, all that we would have covered will be the laps with no memories of the blissful pit stops. It shouldn't so happen that we come to think of Life as being lived in a rush.

Our Lives shouldn't resemble those years where one saw the beginning and end of it yet have no memories of it's entrancing seasons.

                                                                                                             Arun Babu         

Blinders to the Soul : Blog # 122

Blinders to the Soul

        Someone has rightly said that eyes are the windows to the soul. I will go ahead and say that it is as much an extension of our soul itself. The reasons are varied. To begin with, they reflect exactly what is on our mind, as if they were mirrors. It is difficult to lie holding our eyes steady. It emotes what our soul feels with all its sincerity.

It is because of these reasons that we all use coolers more than what they are intended for. There are people who use it as a protection for their eyes or to enhance the way one looks. But there are people who go a step further.

        It was in 8^th standard that I realized how much a ‘shades’ can hide. One of my class mates slept through all of the Chemistry classes without getting caught. He would adjust his spectacles in a way where his eyes will not be visible. It was a day night glass! The slight darkness helped him to catch a blissful siesta when all of us struggled to stay awake.

            Then at many instances in Life, I found people using shades as a barrier. The moment one puts on one of these coolers, it acts as a veil of security – mostly a barrier of protection for one’s emotion.

           Many a time, people put on coolers when they get emotional. It helps in two ways. One, it hides the tears. Two, it helps in preventing tears. When there is this dark glass between two people, there is no eye contact. Two of them do not know what exactly the other person is feeling. This tells a lot about how we emote. Most of our emotions are dependent on what the other people around us are portraying at that moment. So by putting on glasses, all we need to do is rein in our own emotions. There is no affect brought in by the other person’s expressions – either positive or negative.

A cooler can appear as a hindrance to a social courtesy too. At times, if you keep on your coolers and talk to a person, they might get offended. The reason here again is the other person is not able to gauge what you are saying – the seriousness of it, the sincerity with which you are saying and the subtle sensibilities of what you are trying to convey.

          The best use of shades comes in to picture when one is lying. However seasoned a liar a person is, it is difficult to hide the reality from one’s eyes. We always tell “Believe me!” by looking in to another person’s eyes. The reason is, if it is true, it will show in your eyes. So the moment you put on blinders, you feel as secure as if you are behind a foot thick lead wall.

            Having said all this, we all put on blinders at some point or the other in Life and it is acceptable too. It becomes a problem when we begin needing them to avoid meeting one’s own eyes.

                                                                                                          Arun Babu.

Bedtime Stories : Blog # 121

Bedtime stories

      The other day, I went to bed with a disturbed mind. Something was bothering me. When I woke up the next day morning, I could find myself in the exact same frame of mind. It was very unnerving. It had a cascading effect on the whole day.

            If you wake up with an upbeat mindset, chances are high that the day will go well. You step out of your home with a spring in the step and you spread a positive vibe. It is important that we go to sleep without negative or disturbing thoughts for a good sleep and for a good wake up the next day.

May be this is the reason why we were told bedtime stories in our child hood days. Whatever happened in the day would go behind the veils of a good old story and the kids go to bed with a happy mindset.If you have ever told a child a bed time story, they will patiently listen to you through the entire story. But towards the end, they also speak along with you. They know the ending is happy and may be they want to ensure it that way.

I think it is with a purpose that most of the bedtime stories have a happy ending - to instill a positive spirit that even though life turn out to be  a tiring experience at times, in the long run, things will turn out just fine.

Same is the case with our Indian films. Most of them end on a positive note; at least it used to be so. There was a time when all the Malayalam films used to end with a last frame titled ‘Shubham’.

When we grow up and become too old or lazy for stories, we take to music, films, and sitcoms. But the intent remains the same – to sprinkle the mind with dews of positivity.

            I think it is exactly this that we search for in the finer things in Life. Be it a book that we read, a piece of art that we admire or musical performances we indulge in, we are seeking for a bout of positivity amidst the realities of life.

One of my uncles once told me “I never remember all the sadness that transpired in my life. I retain only those times when a tough phase came to a happy ending. If some phase did not end happily, I try and forget them”. He remains one of the most positive people I have ever come across.  Now isn't that the Bed time story philosophy at work?

                                                                                                            

Arun Babu

Holy Merchants : Blog # 120

Holy Merchants

                 I was watching the day’s Stock market opening on NDTV profit. They ring a bell 10 seconds to the opening of market. It is then that it struck me, the amazing similarities between a stock market and places of worship. Both the places ring in a new day with the ring of bells or some sort of ear pleasing resonance.

             As the market opens for the day, there is a news reader who goes on and on about the day’s stock activity. So does a priest as we lesser mortals behold the God, interrupting our conversations with the almighty! It is amusing that most of us don’t understand what these two groups of people are going on and on about.

        There is a lot of hope attached to a stock market coming alive. So it is with the doors to the place of worship. People look at the Sensex and the idol with the some kind of fervour to get their hopes realized. At both the places, there are middle men cashing in on their anxiety and expectations.

         There are instruments at both places which empower us to make our future goals come true – or at least make us believe that we are empowered. At one place it is the divine offerings and at other, it is the ‘futures, options and commodities’ trade.

             There is no guarantee to the money invested in both the places. It is more of a belief that it will yield good returns. The assured aspect is that both are recession proof.

            The income at both places is driven heavily by the ‘wisdom’ of the crowd. People throng those divine destinations where the rest of the crowd goes to. Similar is the case with stocks. Everyone invests in the same or similar stocks.

            For many of us, these places are of interest only in extreme adverse or overtly happier times in Life. We mostly tend to visit places of worship when we have attained certain things in Life or are in pain from a loss . People invest either when the stock market has crashed and gone to the dogs or when it has scaled a new Alpine high.

            Both these places are part of our portfolios. We invest a certain amount of money in stock and a certain amount of our income goes to these divine places.  

                                                                                                               

            The divine festivals are akin to IPOs. Not many of us know why a festival is being celebrated or what the belief behind it is. Still we contribute. Likewise, when a company goes for an IPO, we invest in it with blindfolds firmly in place.

It is said nothing drives stock market like greed. However seasoned an investor a person is, no one is satisfied with the profits one make. Similarly, when have we all said “Oh Dear Lord, you have blessed me enough. Your devotee needs nothing more”! These two establishments will continue to thrive as long as this one emotion reigns supreme even though it continues to masquerade in the many forms of hope, fear and belief.

        

p.s. I am not an Agnostic. Neither am I an Atheist. This is just a satirical take on those people who commoditize Gods and who try to cash in on people’s beliefs.

            Arun Babu.

Sleep early, will you? : Blog # 119

Sleep early, will you?

            Why don’t you sleep early? Most of us have heard our parents ask that to us, haven’t we?

        Sleep - when and for how long,  is one of the earliest habits that are induced in us. For most of us, it would have been against our liking. Remember nap time at pre-school? That is exactly what we are talking about here. May be that is the reason why we take much pleasure in staying up late as the first sign of revolt as we grow up.

       For many of us now, staying up late has become a habit. We feel odd if we go to bed at the time our parents do. But more than the ‘cool quotient’ attribution, there is more to it. To begin with, If we go to bed early, we will have to deal with our thoughts. There are realms of thought which all of us do not want to explore. If we go to bed late and exhausted, we drift off to sleep in seconds. Neither is there any thought process involved nor are there any accompanying questions which we do not have answers to.

            Another reason is a misplaced sense of insecurity. Hasn't there been a day when you planned to sleep for say 2 hours and you wake up to find that an entire afternoon has passed bye? There is a sense of disorientation there. A feeling that we have missed out on some happenings when we were asleep. We think the world passed by while we were indulging in a siesta. A bit of it can be attributed to our need to constantly stay ‘connected’ with the world happenings, much thanks to the social media and the omnipresent cell phone.

          It is also during these dark hours that many of us indulge in some entertainment. This is when we find time in our cluttered lives to read a book, catch a movie or some good videos on internet. Strangely enough, it is in these wee hours that we catch up with friends and acquaintances too.

I envy those who have a regular sleep pattern. Their nights are not exhausted and their mornings are fresh. They stay wide awake in the day and sleep peacefully at night and not the other way around like most of us.

We take to all kinds of books and self improvement practices to bring solace to our wandering minds. Like for many quagmires in life, the solution is right in front of our eyes. But what we do not realize is that at times, we need to shut our eyes to find what we are searching for.

                                                                                                            

Arun Babu.

Life Overheard : Blog # 118

Life Overheard

       Most of life’s learning for me has come from overheard conversations and at times, passing remarks. It is not that no one has advised me. There have been plenty – from people worthy of it and from those who themselves had no clue how to figure out their lives.

            One of the earliest passing conversations was between my Grandmother and her friend. She told her friend “I have seen all the riches in Life. My father owned a car in the 1950s. Later on, I have lived the life of a middle class house wife too. What I have come to know is Money comes and goes, but people stay!”

            I used to stay at my uncle’s place when I was working in Bombay. One day, a friend of his came up and said that he was not keeping well but was still going to office. My uncle said “Listen, work will be there only if you are there”. That remains the fulcrum of my work life balance till date.

The occasion was my uncle’s wedding. An elderly lady walked up to my Grandfather and said “Let’s hope everything goes well in their lives”. On a lighter note, she added “Else, parents will be the ones who will have to bear the brunt!”. Pat came my Grandfather’s reply, “A wedding is between two families, But a marriage is between two people. It’s up to them and them alone”.  I couldn't agree more.

During my B-school days, my friend and I used to go on morning walks. One morning, I was in a particularly lethargic mood. He said “Babuies, your body feeling lazy is acceptable. But the day your mind starts behaving lazy, Beware! Come to think of it, if you could rein in your mind, you can rein in everything – Fear, Fret or Folly!

Let us all keep our ears open for want of not missing out on Life’s valuable lessons.

                                                                                                      Arun Babu 

At the same place : Blog # 117

At the same place

        Ever wondered how two people of different age groups become great friends? Ever thought why an old man falls for a young beautiful girl and she reciprocates the same love? Ever got surprised that you connect so well with people you least expected to do so? It is not the opposites attracting effect! Not at least to me.

I have never believed in that phrase, “opposites attract”! There might be an initial interest quotient due to the amusement that derives out of the differences. There is this urge to explore how the other person justifies his/her different state of existence. But in the long run, getting along with people of entirely different sensibilities might not be very easy. 

            I think the above mentioned happenstances occur due to those two people being at the same place in Life. I am not talking of the space defined by the longitudes and the latitudes. The place we are talking about here is the mind space a person inhabits at a point in time in Life.

            When two people happen to be at the same place in Life, there is a lot that the two can connect over. There is an effortless understanding which comes about. There is no need to tell the other person to think from your side. There is no need to ask them to step in your shoes. Reason being, they are wearing almost the same size J.

People of varied backgrounds and even age become friends at work due to the shared stress that they have to endure. Not many people outside work might understand the kind of pressure and competition one has to survive.

 At schools and colleges, in spite of the different family values, upbringing and even cultures at times, we find great camaraderie. At that point, all of us are in a more of a happy go lucky phase in our Life. So the more happy go lucky a person is in college, the more affable, he/she turns out to be for everyone. But, post college, if the person carries the same attitude, they are looked down up on as not being serious enough about their lives.  The reason being, the others have moved on to another mind space in their lives.

All the self help groups might be based on this very thought. People are under some sought of addiction and they get together and make a collective effort to overcome that addiction. Again, there is no one who understands their plight better than fellow addicts. The others can only imagine how it feels like. They share exactly the same mind space.

The same is true for the various interest groups that people join also. There are groups where people are working towards attaining the same goal. The fellow members understand how difficult the goal is or how much time it demands.

In this regard,the best thing one can hope for is for those people to happen to oneself at those instances in Life where they share more or less the same mind space.

                                                                                                Arun Babu.

Face book for dummies : Blog # 116

Face book for dummies

                Due to the omnipresence of social media in our lives, a new social order has emerged. There exists an emerging parallel world which requires a different kind of sensibility and protocol for peaceful co-existence. Let us have a look at the all pervasive 'Face book'.

                        Let us begin with a friend request. This is like the first meeting between two individuals. Even if we don’t like someone, we put up with him/her as a social courtesy. Likewise, the best you can do is delay accepting the request. If the person is smart enough, he/she will pick up the clue and revoke the request. If the other person is stubborn about it and is someone you cannot afford to turn away, you might as well add the person and put him/her in the restricted list where he/she will not be able to see any of your updates.

                        Then there is the all important ‘Like’. This is like a harmless smile that we all pass around. It is harmless but has some value attached to it. If you go around smiling at one and all you meet, people will start looking at you as if you were a joker. Similarly, if you go around liking anything and everything that pops up on you wall, it loses its charm. Also, it is a botheration for others who will get your 'like' as a notification. Asking for Likes is not a very cool thing to do unless you are asking very close friends of yours. Asking people to like a page of yours is still acceptable as social media is one place where you can spread the word about your initiatives. But asking someone to like your own pics is hinting at narcissism.

             Comments are a territory that is to be tread cautiously. Words might not give out the exact meaning that you intend to give out. This is especially true when there is some intonation involved. And putting up a smiley at the end of a rude sarcastic comment might not always work. More importantly, a comment is a public expression .This means whatever you comment is open to interpretation for everyone. A person who might not mind you pulling his/her leg when in a one to one conversation might not like you to do the same when a 100 people are watching.

            Now, about the sharing of posts and tagging pictures.. Sharing a post on to the wall of a fellow Fb-ian should be done only if the other person is interested in whatever you share. Or at least both of you should share a remote mutual interest in the topic. Same goes with tagging pictures. If the person is not there in the picture or if the album has nothing to do with the person whom you are tagging, refrain from doing it. If the person un-tags himself/herself from the picture, understand he/she does not want it to show up on his/her profile. It will be nice on the part of the person who is un-tagging to let know the friend before one does so.

            A poke is a harmless way of saying you remembered the other person and it is the most un-intrusive. However a message or a ping is not like that. So if you are busy, and someone messaged you, avoid clicking on that person’s message tab. Once you click, a message goes to other person saying ‘seen’. You can always tell you were away and you did not see his/her message J. If you don’t click on the message tab and go ahead and comment and like or do some public activity, again the truth is out.

            In spite of being a self confessed FB addict, I still believe in the charm of the real world. Meeting people live is much more refreshing than meeting them on a 14” screen. Also, taking an effort for doing something worthwhile for a close one even if it is having a lunch together will leave you a memory much more lasting than giving him/her a couple of virtual interactions.

            Towards the end, when you near logging out, no one is going to remember the statistics on your virtual interactions. In those days, what will be fulfilling and enriching for your mind space will be a memoir of real world moments.

                                                                                                            Arun Babu.

Why say Sorry? : Blog # 115

Why say Sorry?

          Many a time, I have heard this highly romanticized concept of “No Thank you and Sorry in friendship”. I do not understand why. I would rather say it is more needed in a close relationship. May be there is some credence to not needing to say thank you as the expectation is that the other person will be there for us, but sorry is non- negotiable.

         We say sorry primarily to acknowledge a mistake. But there is more to a sorry than just an apology. It shows the presence of a genuine intent. For instance, we wanted to attend a friend’s wedding and due to some unavoidable reason, we couldn't.  When we send across a regret note, it shows you had an intention of going which due to some reason you couldn't live up to.

             When we say sorry, it shows respect for the other person. If we had promised a person that we would arrive at a place at a particular time and if we couldn't and when we say a sorry, it means you respect the other person’s time. You respect the effort the other person took to keep up the commitment he/she made to you.

          A sorry also shows concern. If you express regret when you doubt that you have unintentionally caused someone some hurt of any kind even the size of a sand grain, there is this feel good factor which plays around in the other person’s mind. The person feels good because you are perceived to be concerned about the other person’s feelings. This takes away the possibility of the other person taking offence to a great extent. The Brownie point being you are perceived as a well mannered person.

            And then there is the grave danger of feeling taken for granted. The absence of a sorry might instill this thought which leaves a person feeling like a door mat or a push over. Thus begins the affected person’s struggle to prove one’s importance and identity which invariably brings friction in a relationship.

Some of us unnecessarily attach one’s ego to saying sorry. Saying sorry only shows one’s ability to accept one’s own mistake. Even if you accept or not, the other person involved will perceive it as a wrong doing on your part. So in an instance where you know you have committed a wrong doing, why not go ahead and admit the mistake and save whatever little grace that remains?

                                                                                                                   Arun Babu.

To hell and back : Blog # 114

To hell and back

        There is this friend of mine who met with an accident recently. We all used to tell him to not to drive recklessly. But he never paid heed to our words. Finally, after this happened, he has decided to take it slow.

            After all, there might be some goodness to bad things that happen to us. There might be a reason. I think we all need some unpleasant incidents in our lives. Only then, we appreciate and understand the value of the blessings in life – however small or trivial they might appear to be.

There is this perennial tendency of taking a good life for granted. We conveniently overlook status quo of the ‘going good’ state in our lives. Quite often, we say life lacks excitement. Only when the status quo is negatively disrupted, do we look back and say those days were peaceful and we forgot to enjoy them. This might explain as to why people who have recovered from a terminal illness begin to appreciate Life much better.

Ever wondered why some among us end up being rich spoiled brats? One of the reasons may be we end up leading such extremely protected lives that one loses touch with reality. The reasoning that Life is a mixed bag begins to fade. It is like trying to look at a tourist destination from the French windows of an ultra luxurious hotel. One never gets to see the reality and experience the essence of the place. There is such abundance of money that one begins to look at life stubbornly as a bed of roses devoid of thorns.  From this, comes an arrogance and a naive belief that one can dictate terms to Life.

Then there are those who become obsessive whiners. They begin to fret and faint at the smallest of Life’s quagmires. This may be because of lack of exposure to bad experiences. Unless one has come across some disappointments and despairs in one’s growing up years, one finds it difficult to adjust to adversities. This is because of the simple reason that he/she doesn’t know how to tackle a rough patch. There is no learning from the past that it is just a phase and there is a silver lining around the corner. We all have seen people who have been high achievers all through their lives struggling to cope at the first hint of failure.

Bad experiences are lessons learned. One need not wait for bad things to happen to one self. There is always the choice of learning from others’ mistakes. But if you are recklessly determined on ringing the bell to the hell’s door, Life does oblige.

                                                                                                Arun Babu.