I f I could…Letter from a Soldier
I am not one of those who always wanted to join the forces. I had my own reservations. I knew that my mind did not have the discipline to blindly follow orders of another person. My thoughts were always that of one who wondered. More often than not, my mind had a ‘why’ or a ‘what if’ that remained unanswered when I thought it had come to a stillness.
Then I realized it is the brightest of minds that join armed forces. Is it that all of them were blindly following propaganda? That couldn’t be. They were all thinking minds. Somewhere ,our life itself is living through propaganda, isn’t it? ; a culmination of what our family, society and immediate surroundings tell us or make us go through in our early lives. We mistake the outcomes of those situations for our ‘individuality’ or even ‘conscious choices’.
Initially, I found it a bit difficult to cope with the discipline that academy enforced. Later on, I realized that it is not the body that is being taught. It was the mind that was being reigned in! Senior officers told us that if we could make our mind listen to us, then nothing will remain unattainable. I remember one of the officers telling me that one will reach a stage where the mind and the person become so much in harmony that it will cease resisting us. When one of us asked as to when that time will come, he smiled and said, “The day when you realize the reason why you chose this path”.
It was a day like any other. The ordinariness about it belied the impending eventuality. Bidding goodbye to my wife and little girl, I set out to the air force camp. And then came the message, “We are being attacked”. I fought along with my team. And then, everything came to a standstill. I was shot at.
Am I proud of having undertaken the supreme sacrifice for my nation? I do not know. I was just doing my duty. Is there regret? Yes, not about the path that I chose. I do not doubt that one bit.
But I regret not having spent enough time with family. I wanted to tell my little girl the stories which I listened to while growing up. I have oft imagined what it would be like to tell her the experiences that I have been through once she grows up. I was waiting to get home to tell my wife what I went through today. She usually makes fun of me for telling such experiences. But I know she is secretly proud when she hears me out. I wish if I got a chance to tell her that I will be gone and that she should take care of herself. I wanted to call my parents in the morning and tell them that I will be visiting them soon. I wanted them to know that they are as much in my thoughts as I am in theirs.
I regret not having lived through my life. I wish if I could meet more people, if I could read more, if I could travel more, if I could learn more, if I could grow more, If I could love more and be loved more, if I could grow old, if life had been a bit more patient with me, if I could just be…
~A Soldier
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